You can't always get what you want. (Sometimes, you get something better!)

"You need to have a plan."

I went to lunch last week with some friends that I only get to see maybe once a month. And these friends aren't just any normal friends. 1. I met them at church. 2. They were our class leaders for a bible study that lasted about 6 months. I value their support and wisdom and could not ask for better role models to look up to. So as soon as we sat down for lunch, Matt, being the caring, inquisitive man that he is, started asking what I had been up to since I last saw them. I gave him a brief outline of all the changes that had been occurring in my life and he fired back the one question I couldn't answer, more so, the question I didn't want to answer, "What's your plan?"

Somewhere growing up, I developed the characteristic of a planner. I like to have a plan, I like to develop a plan, I like to know what everyone else's plan is, even if it doesn't concern me. It's almost like I'm a serial organizer, if you will.

Anyway, when Matt asked me this question I couldn't really formulate an answer. For once, I didn't have a plan. At that point, I was so emotionally unstable (and still am) that I'm simply taking it one day at a time and dealing with everything as it comes. And that's what I told him. "You need to have a plan. You need to set some goals and deadlines and stick to them." Yes, Matt, I understand that but this summer has beaten me down so badly that I'm just too tired to formulate a plan. That and I just don't know what needs to be done or what the plan needs to entail. But the observation I've made over the past couple days is this:

Why do we even make plans? Rarely, if ever, do they actually come to fruition the way you wanted them to originally. There is always something that comes up that changes it somehow.

I didn't plan to go to a private, Methodist college to play golf for 3 years. I didn't plan to move to Wichita. I didn't plan to go to a tech school to do interior design. I didn't plan to only work at a design firm for 6 months. I didn't plan to take yet another job that doesn't utilize my talents or education. I didn't plan on staying in the same apartment for 2 years, moving out, then going right back to where I was (but in a bigger space). I didn't plan any of this! So why should I make a plan for the next 5 years when Lord knows, I'm not going to be where I plan to be! It's almost as if by making a plan, especially a big plan, like a 5 year plan, I'm just setting myself up for disappointment. (Or the optimist in me says success!) And I'm not saying that I fear the future because I don't. I know God will direct me in the right way. So I guess that's where I come full circle in this debacle. This is where my faith strengthens! This is the time when I throw my hands up and just fall back trusting the Lord will catch me! I can plan, plan, plan, every step I wanna take or should take, but the truth is, that's not what is going to happen. You know what they say, "You want to make God laugh? Tell Him your plans."

I like to think I know what I want and what's best for me. But honestly, I don't. So how can I logically formulate a plan to get where I THINK I wanna be? When what matters is the place I should be, which I won't know until I get there, and only by the wisdom of God will I be able to recognize that.

So here's my plan now: Instead of just "talking the talk" about trusting in the Lord's plan, I'm planning on "walking the walk" and whole-heartedly putting my complete trust in the Lord and His promises. (That should relieve some stress, eh?) Don't get it twisted though, this does not mean I'm going to become lazy and just wait for my future to come to me. You best believe I'm going to strive to achieve my goals! But it's the part of which direction to go that I leave up to the Lord and simply ask Him to point my shoulders in the right direction. In conclusion, here is some of my favorite verses:

Proverbs 16:9 "In their hearts human plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps."

Proverbs 19:21 "Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."

Psalm 20:4 "May He give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed."

Jeremiah 29:11 "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you and not to hard you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"

You want fried rice?

I love grocery shopping. For real. Composing the menu, making the list, and going to the store, it just tickles me pink. It tickles me even pinker when I get to eat the food! So that's what I did today.

I'm approaching my move-out date and have determined to eat as much stuff that's still in my kitchen so I will have minimal waste. And I like to think that over the last 2 years I've accumulated some good, healthy staples in my kitchen that I should finish out with dignity. Therefore, my homework last night was to compose a menu using as much food in my pantry and freezer as possible without buying a bunch of new things. And I have to admit, I'm pretty proud of the work I did. Trying some new recipes and also making some of the classics. It's a shame I have to enjoy it alone. But then again, more for me. :) The only challenge is having an unpredicable schedule where I'm not guaranteed to have the time to cook what I want when I planned it. (Like I said in the previous post, I'm sort of a control freak so I plan...a lot. Which means when I was composing my menu, I also assigned the meals to certain nights. Mhmm..I know.) But nonetheless, I have 18 days to eat roughly seven organized dinner meals. Breakfast and lunch are a different story.

The Kansas weather surprised me today. We actually got a little bit of rain. Just enough to put dirty rain spots on my car. But it did cool down the temperature where it was bearable to be outside longer than 2 minutes so I wasn't about to complain about sprinkles on my hair. But the most wonderful surprise was stepping outside to see the most beautiful rainbow I've seen in a long time. The kind that you can see end to end and the colors are just so vivid and brilliant that it makes you stop in your tracks and just say "Thank You, Lord." Through all the rain that seems to keep falling on me at this time in my life, I know that the end will come and sun will shine again.

"Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth.” Genesis 9:14

Was That a Threat?

Today...was a good day. I actually made it to the gym today (even for only 45 minutes on the elliptical, it's exercise just the same). And to make it even better, I ate a salad for lunch. Yup, a salad. A salad that I WANTED to eat, not because it's something I should eat.

Today...was a good day. Despite the huge mess in my apartment from spending the afternoon packing, it's just a sign of progress and change. As I was sealing up my first box, I said a prayer. A prayer for help and guidance. Most people wouldn't think anything of taping up moving boxes but me, I'm too sentimental to just let the moment pass by without a thought. This may very well be the last time I have a residence to call my own in this town. But lucky for me, I've been here long enough to accumulate some really great friends that have offered (actually they sort of threatened me if I didn't agree to it) to let me stay on their couches temporarily just to postpone my departure. But the job hunt must continue. And the chances of me leaving this town seem to be growing and growing by the day. But it is what it is.

As a Christian, you are taught not to fear, especially not to fear the future. So as each morning comes, before the worry and anxiety set in, I have to remind myself that my life is in good hands and that He would never steer me wrong. I can admit that I may have some control issues but no matter how hard I try to plan or organize, ultimately, it's not up to me where I go or what I do or who comes in and out of my life. I don't even know why I would want that responsibility. Motto and prayer of the day (more like for this entire phase of my life right now): God grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as he did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. --Reinhold Niebuhr

P.S. I Love You

Life at 25 has just taken an interesting twist. In the last two months, I've been thrown more curveballs than I think I ever have. Let's rewind back to May 20...

On May 20, I attended my second college graduation. I received a degree in Interior Design which has been my dream since I was 14 years old. Now, getting to this point hasn't gone on the exact plan I had mapped out when I was graduating high school but, nonetheless, I made it. For now. May 21 was my niece's dance recital which I attend every year followed by a graduation/birthday party hosted by my oldest sister Jocelyn. My father, mother and both sisters birthdays fall in the month of May and June so we celebrate with one big party. (But Kalyn and I still receive gifts cause we are just that awesome.) On May 23, I went on a first date with a guy that has opened my eyes to new things and I've been smitten with him ever since. The month of June was pretty easy. Continued to work at my job, visit home a few times, went on more dates with the guy, enjoyed a week long vacation with my sisters and just had a good summer. But July...July hasn't been very nice. After my vacation, I came home to a phone call that said the place I work at is closing, which means I'm out of a job at the end of the month. It gets better. Turns out, my lease on my apartment was up in July which means, I'm out of a home at the end of the month. Jobless and homeless. What a dream come true.

So here we are, July 10, I spent half the day sleeping (just cause I could) and half the day packing my things up in boxes. And normally I enjoy packing but that's usually cause I know where I'm going when I have to leave. In this case, I don't have a clue where I'm going. I don't where I'll be in 30 days or 60 days or 6 months which means right now, I HATE packing.

I'm a great multi-tasker and I'm very efficient but these last few weeks I've only been able to focus on one thing at a time. 1)Moving out of my apartment. 2)Searching for a new job. 3)Where I'm going to be living at the end of the month. 4)Making time for family, friends, and this new guy. I'm finding it very difficult to balance all of those simultaneously because each one is very important which means I'm pretty much an emotional wreck right now and stressed beyond capacity. On top of that, I've lost motivation to do things I used to really enjoy, like exercising and reading and working on my faith. I just find myself lying on the floor staring at the ceiling like all the answers are going to come floating down through the sky to land in my hands. Or drinking...a lot, like the answers are in the bottom of a beer can.

I just want to know where I need to be going. What direction I need to look in. I feel like a lost puppy with no idea what to do next. If this isn't a test of faith, I don't know what is. Although the economy is bad right now, I believe in my heart that I'm supposed to be doing design work and I'm not going to settle for anything less. God wouldn't have put design in my heart way back when if He didn't want me to chase after it and succeed in it so I know for a fact that this is what I'm supposed to be doing. I just don't know WHERE I'm supposed to be doing it. I feel I'm being pulled in two different directions. One string pulling me to stay close here and one string pulling me to go somewhere farther away. One better start pulling harder or I'm going to be stretched thin real quick.

I'm so thankful for my amazing family and friends who have been there for me through all of this and supported me and guided me and calmed me down. I know, no matter where I am, I will always have them to lean on. And after reading this post, I've realized this is no longer a blog, it's turned into a prayer. So God, here's my letter to You...write back soon please.

(Oh and Jocelyn, I totally just wrote this as the thoughts came to me. Didn't do any research or prewriting. :) Unless you count sleepless nights with too many thoughts running through my head research and prewriting. )

The Good, The Bad, and The "Douche Bags"

Aahh, the single life. A life of freedom, independence, and exploration. The time in your life when you are trying to weed through all the guys (or girls) to find that one person who fits you perfectly. (Unless you don't believe in that then you might as well quit reading now.) A time filled with excitement and a lot of firsts-first date, first kiss, first heart-to-heart talks, first slumber parties.

But shortly, or later on, you start noticing a change. The change could be really good or it could be a bit discouraging. But it's a definite change. And sometimes it's no fault to anyone, it just happens. Let me elaborate...

Every guy starts at square one. At square one every guy is considered a good guy (all it takes is a smile). So the journey begins....You begin walking along a path with this good guy and this path can be as short as a matter of seconds (when he speaks his first words to you) or it can go on for a while. But nonetheless, you are on a path. So you're going along and you glance up ahead to see that the path is about to break off into different paths. As you get closer, this is where you start noticing the change I was speaking of earlier. You start slowing down as you approach the separations and there are signs labeling each new path. To your left, the sign says, "The Good," which is very, very narrow, only enough room for two people to walk beside each other. You look for the next sign in the middle that says, "The Bad," which is very wide and worn down. Then to your immediate right the path is labeled, "The Douche Bags." As you look closer, this path doesn't seem to go on for very long, it's almost as if it just ends at a cliff and whoever falls over it will fall into a different dimension never to be seen again. (I say that because when you determine the guy is going down this path, you won't want to be seeing him again.)

So here we are, approaching this crucial point in the relationship journey. Like I said earlier, this journey could last only a matter of seconds or a few days or months or even years. Regardless, this guy is about to veer off somewhere and guess who's steering the guy's ship? The woman. (Usually. At least all the women I know because I know they are great, smart women and know what they want.) Which means the guy rarely has any input about which path is sent down (you are just along for the ride fellas, sorry but it's true). As the captain of this journey, you are in complete control of where to send this guy. So let's review what each path means and how to determine which path the guy belongs on.

Let's begin with the path labeled, "The Bad."

"Bad" guys aren't necessarily the trouble-makers that you typically would associate with "The Bad" guy. Guys sent down this path can simply be just not the right fit for you. Maybe there's no physical attraction, maybe he's not attentive enough for you, there's no intelligent conversation or whatever. Maybe he's just not that much fun and doesn't make you laugh. This is why this particular path is so very wide and worn down. There are so many guys that get sent down this path. And this isn't a cheap shot at guys going down this path, this is just one woman's journey. The next journey you're on you may go down a totally different path.

Now let's move to the path that everyone is so anxiously waiting to hear about, I can feel it. "The Douche Bag" path. Where do I even begin? The term "douche bag" is interchangeable with words such as, "idiot" or "jackass" or any words of the like. Now a "douche bag" can mean different things to different people. What I think is "douchy" may not be "douchy" to you or someone else and vice versa. But let me give you a taste of what I consider to be "douche bag" material.
-Wardrobe. (There are certain brands of clothing that scream "I'm a douche." Some of you may know them, while others don't. Some of you may defend the clothing while some may agree with me. Like I said, this is my list, everyone's is different.)
-Immaturity. (Age isn't always the factor with this, young guys can sometimes be more mature than older guys. I don't get it, but it happens.)
-Pretentiousness. (Do I really need to explain this one?)
There are so many other qualities that I just can't list them all. It's just a small taste, people.

And last but not least, the best path of all, "The Good." This path is so very narrow that only two people can fit on it side by side, the guy....and you. This is the path that only one special guy gets sent down, check that, he isn't sent, he is joined...by you. This will usually be a mutual decision and there's really no other option of paths which is makes it very easy to choose. This is when you grab each other's hand and veer to the left into your future together. When you go down this path, it makes all the guys you had to deal with on the other journeys worth the trouble because it brought you to this point. This is the path, I like to believe, is the path where dreams come true.

How do you know which path to send the guy on, you ask? As cliche as it is, you'll just know.

So I wish you well on all your journeys. May you take a left in the near future, or distant future, whatever you want to do. Keep on keepin' on, my friends.

Gone Fishin'

When I was growing up, I lived in a small, country town so I spent a lot of my childhood outdoors. My father was (and still is) a fisherman so we spent many summer nights out at the pond fishing and exploring the land. When I would throw a line out, more often than not, I would only catch the fish that weren't even worth saving. Which meant my dad spent a lot of time on my pole taking fish and moss off the hook (since then, I have overcome my fear of icky moss but I'm still apprehensive about sticking my fingers in the mouth of a fish, like they have teeth or something. Pft.) Regardless, my fish rarely made it on the hook to take home but my dad always filled the line with the best ones. (I never understood what qualifications the fish needed to have to get on the hook but I assume it has to do with size and appearance. I guess little girls catch little fish and big boys catch the big fish.) Never the less, the best fish made it on the hook.

Now it goes without saying, the fish don't stay on the hook long because if they're on the hook, then they're dinner later. Yum!

Now to the important stuff.

What about the guys (or girls) in our life that we put on the hook? Every girl has them, at least one, if not more. The bad boy, the makeout buddy, the "just friends" guy, or the ex. It's human nature, we crave love and attention and companionship. I know exactly why I have guys on the hook. Each "fish" has its own qualities that allow it to be put on the hook. But at the end of the night and you're packing up the boat and poles into the truck, you go back to the hook and assess your catches. You analyze them and justify why they made it on the hook but on the drive home, you begin to question if you really want, or better yet, really need them. So you make it home, unload everything and feel pretty good about your decision to keep the "fish" on the hook. But when it comes time to start preparing them for dinner, you take one last look at them and finally you realize they aren't the "fish" you want. So now you have to figure out how to "put them back."

Disclaimer: I realize that once the fish get all the way home, chances are they aren't going to make it back to the pond. But I'm trying to make a point here, bear with me.

I admit, I'm not very successful at taking "fish" off the hook. Although I am very good at putting them on the hook. So good, in fact, that the "fish" can tend to pile up and it can get really heavy. And I realize that's probably not the healthiest (mentally and emotionally) thing to do but it happens. I have a hard time letting go of anything. Boys, worn out pillows, clothes that don't fit but still love, birthday cards.

But when having "fish" on the hook, what's the best way to "put them back?"

Do you completely ignore and avoid them? (Then you risk burning a bridge. See, case in point, I struggle with letting go.)

Gradually quit communicating with them until they give up on you? (This is me still not being able to let go but I have had success with this technique.)

Nut up and tell them the truth? (Eek!)

No way sounds pleasant, on either end. But juggling so many "fish" can be just as unpleasant.

But as I sit here, I'm questioning the other side of the hook. If I have "fish" on my hook, does that mean that I'm a "fish" on their hook? Is it two-sided?

How do you know when you're on someone's hook?

My research on this topic led me to these conclusions:

1) Everything is at their convenience. Not yours. Dates, hookups, conversations...it's only when they want them.
2) If you change your plans to go see them or talk to them.
3) If you stop what you're doing, even when you're with family or friends, to go meet up with them or answer their call.
4) If they only want to talk or hang out when they're drunk.

After analyzing these conclusions, I determined that I have been on a hook or two. But it didn't last long. I realized that I was changing who I was for a person that didn't even respect me all that much.

After every breakup, one of the most common phrases used is, "there are plenty of fish in the sea." Yes, that is true. And there will be times when the "fish" seem scarce and times when there will be so many "fish" you won't even know what to do with them all. But the point is to just keep throwing that line back out there and say a little prayer that the next one will stay on the hook indefinitely.

Let's Do Lunch

Romantic comedies...can suck it!

That's right. I said it.

They have officially ruined my perception and understanding of love and relationships. Real life isn't like the movies. (Although it should be.) Sometimes there aren't "sparks" when you meet someone "special." Sometimes the first kiss isn't "fireworks." Does that make a person any less the person you are meant to be with forever?

I'm starting to think..no.

But do the "sparks" and "fireworks" come later?

I've always said and heard that the best relationships begin with a solid friendship. Great. I can do that. But when does the switch happen? When do you see them as friend one day and the next day you are in love with them? And what about the sexual attraction? Should that always be there from the beginning of the friendship or does it develop later too? When does the switch happen? Does it happen after the fourth date? Does it happen on a major holiday? Does it happen after you experience a trajedy together? Does it happen after an amazing concert? Does it happen over a lunch on a Tuesday? When does the switch happen?!

And what if the switch never comes? How long do you keep investing time and energy into a new friendship/relationship before you realize they aren't "The One?" Then how do you get out of it?! Yikes!

One of the worst things is to keep pursuing a relationship that just doesn't have the "It" factor. But what if its the kind of relationship that develops its magic later? You just don't know.

Everyone is different. Everyone's story is different. That's the beauty of it. You get your own, custom, personal, like-no-one-else story of your life. Why waste so much time and energy comparing your story to everyone else's? Or to the movies? Why waste so much time and energy trying to find all the answers right away? Life isn't meant to be lived with reservation and timidity . Life is supposed to be about taking leaps! Sometimes you'll fly, sometimes you'll land back on the ground and take off in another direction. Sometimes you won't take off at all. But at least you tried to take off.

Nobody knows what the future holds. We aren't meant to know. What a boring life that would be. But with all this confusion, curiosity, anxiety, frustration and the unknown of love and relationships, no matter what, I'll get my happy ending. Someday. But until then, I'll just enjoy my ride!

Disclaimer: I realize that the last quarter of this blog sounds like a fat, ugly cliche, but it's the truth. And it eases my mind so soak it in people!