Second Half Team

Hello, all! We are at month six of the Year of Kenna! I wish I was genuine about that exclamation point but let's face it, I'm still in a valley trying to get to the top of the mountain. However, there has been some uplifting occurances since my last post.

Ladies and gentlemen, you are reading the blog of Brace(LESS) Face!! That's right, no more brace face! To celebrate such a monumental day, I popped in my mouth one of the many restricted items you can't have with braces.

A giant gumball.

One step out of that doctor's office and I felt a shift in the universe. For the past two years, I had been waiting and waiting to get these braces off. As if life was at a stand still until my teeth were back to normal. I'd say, "Once I get these braces off, I'll be able to flirt with guys again." Or, "I'll pursue that job when I get these braces off so I will look more professional."

But, now there are no more excuses. Nothing to hide behind. And life can get back on course again. Life can start progressing and improving! I am confident good things will start happening. I'll come out the second half like the OKC Thunder, taking the lead and keeping it until the buzzer sounds! 

30 Things By The Time You're 30

Growing up, I wasn’t fond of reading books. I found other things to do with my time, like make mud pies in the back yard. But as I’ve gotten older and distanced myself from so many distractions (College. Enough said.), I’ve began to look forward to lounging on the couch and getting sucked into a good book. I wish I could say I read intelligent, educational, historical books but I can’t. Truth is I gravitate towards the inspirational genre. (Ok, I admit it! I read self-help books and most people would think that’s lame but I don’t care. I find enjoyment in it. At least I’m reading something!)

Recently, I was drawn to a new book that resonated with me in this uncertain time in my life.

It’s a list of the must-haves and must-knows for women turning thirty, remembering thirty, or looking forward to thirty. Each item on the list is expanded by essays written by some of the world’s most wise and wonderful women.

The List

Thirty has never been a fear of mine. Actually, I’m anxiously waiting to turn thirty. I like to believe that I’ll have my stuff figured out by then. If not, I will someday. Not to say that I’m trying to rush through life to get to thirty but it definitely is a milestone to look forward to. This book has many memorable quotes and stories that are relatable but I can’t help but think about a line Carrie said in the Sex and the City movie, “Enjoy yourself. That’s what your 20’s are for. Your 30’s are to learn the lessons. Your 40’s are to buy the drinks.” Believe me, the first half of my 20’s I enjoyed fully. The second half, let’s just say, has been a bit of an adjustment. But 30, I know is going to be a great decade for me. I will own my 30’s!

I highly recommend this book to any female over the age of 21. It’s a quick read but full of inspiration, wisdom and advice for all women.

“Thirty is when you stop the comparathon: the rat race that has you constantly looking over your shoulder to see how everyone else is doing at work/love/fitting into their skinny jeans. It’s tempting, after all, to see your twenties as your chance to make your mark. So you do your best, and you keep one eye on everyone else doing theirs…Life isn’t a contest—beauty, popularity, or otherwise. And there’s happiness to go around for all of us. Besides, at thirty, most of us start noticing that the most meaningful moments in life so far have happened when we weren’t trying so damn hard…We’re all on different time lines and need to realize life isn’t a race. So what if someone else gets promoted first? Or has flatter abs, or more mysteriously perfect hair. Gets pregnant first—or stays gloriously single longer? High-five her. That’s her race. Then walk on.”

Keep Calm & Carry On. (And Have a Drink. Or Two.)

Guess who’s back?! It has been yet another long stint with no updates mainly due to some significant changes in my life, just as I expected there to be this year.

Today is the last day of the fourth month of 2012. If anyone is counting, that leaves eight months to find a job in the design industry to jumpstart my career. April was a slow month on the job hunt side but very eventful in other sides of life. As my title indicates, 2012 is a year of changes. Let’s review the changes so far. I’ve sent out a total of 44 resumes across the country (with no avail), cut off all my hair, was a redhead for two months, quit my job, moved out of another apartment, was a victim of theft, bottom braces were removed and moved home with my parents. Dream come true, eh?

Although my circumstances these days aren’t ideal, it has been such a blessing to be able to spend so much time with my parents and be able to help them around the house. It has definitely helped to calm my nerves during this stressful time in my life. I’ve been able to put all my focus in my job hunt which has also been very beneficial. And I can’t complain about the home-cooking and happy hours!

I see the silver lining of it all every day.

But as each month comes and goes, the panic sets in even more. My motivation is still as strong as it was four months ago. The difference between January and April though is I’m actually seeing progress now. I’m marking things off my list faster than I would have had I stayed in Wichita with so many distractions. I just hope results come as fast. 

I wish I could reveal more but conclusions are still developing on certain subjects. Stay tuned!

Be the Change

"Be the change you wish to see in the world."  - Gandhi

I can't recall the first time I heard this quote. I can't recall ever feeling like I could do anything to change the world. I can't even recall where the hell I put that freakin' juicer recipe book!

For some reason, this particular quote came to my mind first thing Monday morning. It felt, as though, I would need those words to get me through that day. Normally, I don't suffer from the 'Mondays.' It's just another day of work for me. But this Monday, I was feeling the worst case of the 'Mondays.' The weight of all my stresses came pouring down on my shoulders like wet sand. I could barely find the strength to stand. A chair wasn't even going to cut it. I needed a bed, a blanket, and to curl up into fetal position.

Be the change you wish to see in yourself.

I've been so focused on myself, my life and my dreams. No wonder I'm so stressed. I've been spending all my time trying to control everything. Even the things I have no power to control. The arrow has always pointed inward. Finally, about 20 minutes before my lunch break I came to the realization that I needed to change the way I was thinking. I needed to turn the arrow away from me and point it toward others. If I refocus my energy into helping others then it would surely lift my spirits. If I refocus my energy into helping others then my thoughts wouldn't be so crowded with feelings of discouragment, worry and fear.

Be the change you wish to see.

As Christians, we are told to seek help and guidance and answers in the bible. Everything we ever need is in that book. Well, here I am, a Christian, admitting that even though I'm struggling more than I ever have in my life, my eyes aren't glued to the words in the bible like I know they should be. I pray constantly but I know there is more to it. I can discipline myself to eating breakfast everyday but why can't I discipline myself to reading God's word everyday? I can discipline myself to brushing my teeth everyday but why can't I discipline myself to spend just a couple minutes in God's word everyday? I'm acting as though it's a hassle to just open the bible and start reading. I'm acting as though watching TV is more important than learning how God is working in my life.

I am asking for so many changes in my life this year. Some I have no control over but some I actually do.

Be the change.

Forever in Blue Jeans

Nothing like running into an old crush and getting all excited to possibly spark a connection finally then four brief seconds later, his new fiance walks around the corner. What a slap of reality right across your cheekbone! "Yeah girl, you're 26, you're single, you're social life sucks, you're dating life sucks (more like nonexistant), you work as a cashier in a department store AND you have awesome braces!" No surprise that immediately following work, I followed one glass of wine with another glass of wine. And that...was just Monday.

Tuesday evening included another two glasses of wine and an awkward yet overdue conversation with a certain someone. Without disclosing too much information to my audience, I was finally honest with myself and to that person. Although, admittedly, my indecisiveness caused some extreme frustration for both parties. What's it going to take to just make a decision and stick to it?! My head says one thing but my heart says another.

It's like that one favorite pair of jeans you had in high school. You wore the hell out of those jeans. They fit you so perfectly. Then one day, the crotch tears cause you've worn it so thin that it couldn't hold together anymore. But you still wear them just being careful not to bend over to show your peek-a-choo. You take them to college and continue to wear them but then while you're chasing down a pong ball, whoops, the crotch tear has now gone all the way up to the back pocket. Your head says it's time to get rid of them but your heart wants to hold on to them, somehow hoping they will miraculously mend themselves back together cause you can't bear to part with them forever. What's a girl to do? You've parted so easily with all the other flare bottom jeans and khaki pants in your life, why is it so hard to part with this one pair?

Such miniscule matters of life.

I needed some serious readjustment of my thoughts.

You need help putting things in perspective? Go to the middle of big field, lay on your back and just look up. You will soon realize just how truly small you are in this huge world. And all the petty worries you feel will just float up to the clouds. Best stress reliever has to be just getting in touch with God's world. Sit outside and just listen to the sounds He has created. Admire the work He has done around you. Believe that He will deliver you from the stresses in your life, like He always has.

Everyone is allowed days when you feel weak and broken and lonely and lost. As long as you realize the sun will shine tomorrow. The dark days won't last forever. There is a light shining at the end of this tunnel.  (Wouldn't be right if i didn't conclude with a collection of cliches, right? But there is truth in each of them and you know it. Deal with it.)

Play Time is Over

Finally, this year is over. 2011 was so full of ups and downs, I felt like I was walking through the canyons in northwest Oklahoma. Exhausting, to say the least. But I made it through, thank God. And I have complete faith that 2012 will bring something great for me!

We are 10 days into the new year and I already feel more motivated and excited for the next 12 months than I ever was in the last 12 months. I'm not big on making resolutions, much less, keeping them but this year is and will be different. I finally had one of those "Ah-ha" moments and decided that it's time for me to take control of my life. I'm 26 and (almost) completely independent. I need to get out of this rut I've been in for what seems like 5 years but really it's only been like 1 year. I've graduated college (twice) and need to get out in this big, bad world. Every month that passes that I stay in this town, I feel myself getting more and more sheltered. I need to challenge myself and stretch out my wings to see if I can fly.

In three days, I've sent out a total of 18 resumes to various design positions across the country. Although there are some positions I'm clearly not qualified for I still choose to send my resume simply because you never know. I just know there is someone out there that will take a chance on me. I don't know where but there is someone out there that will say, "I have a feeling about this girl, let's give her a shot. She may not be qualified or have much experience but let's just take a chance on her." And when that happens you best believe there will be praises to the Lord! Because it's the Lord that's in that person's head saying, "This is your girl." And it may take 6 months or a year or even two before I get that call back but I know it's going to happen. God WILL provide. He WILL bring me to something great and perfect. But only in His time. And every rejection letter is just a step closer in His plan. Discouragement will come but so will trust and faith and understanding and strength and patience.

2012 is the Year of Kenna! I can feel it. Can you feel it? Cause I can feel it. And it's awesome!

This marks the beginning of my journey in 2012. Resume sending will continue and prayer will continue and hopefully, before too long, I'll receive not a rejection letter but an acceptance letter. I'm not playing around anymore, people. It's time to make this dream a reality.

Let's Ride

Since we last spoke, not a lot has changed in my world. Still at the same job, still the same weight, still wanting a change. Physically speaking, all is well. Emotionally speaking, however, is different. I've been rocked with a handful of big topics from an assortment of friends and my thoughts could not be more scattered right now. And to make it worse, I'm trying my hardest to make an underlying connection between all of these topics but it's just not coming together like I want it to. Might be a Scorpio thing. I doubt it though. But maybe it is. Hmm....Anyway, I guess I'm just going to have to break it all down individually and hope that while I type it out a central theme will reveal itself. Here we gooooo!!!!

So to start things off I'll go back to Monday. Nearing the end of my shit, I mean shift (sorry for that), my very good friend (whom also works there) came to my area to discuss some issues in her relationship. Without going into detail, the topic was infidelity. Being a victim of infidelity myself I could immediately relate to her feelings and anxieties. There is nothing worse than betrayal by a loved one. But this is what really has me worred about her...I'm fairly certain she has never experienced this kind of betrayal and she is like any other girl and worries and stresses and overanalyzes everything when it comes to relationships. So whether he did it or not and whether they stay together or not, the damage is done. She will now and forever question every man's loyalty and faithfulness from here on out. And that makes me so angry! This is not a slam on her and she can probably admit this herself but she is kind of a headcase when it comes to guys. And I don't blame her! They are hard to trust and hard to understand. So this shit that just hit the fan is only going to turn her into a bigger headcase and I feel terrible for her because it sucks! But girl, yeah I'm looking at you Accessories, everything is going to be fine! And don't forget you got a friend who lives 5 minutes away and is always stocked with a bottle of wine. Got it? :)

Moving on to Tuesday...I meet up with a friend whom I haven't seen in months (and she lives right up the road. Gah I'm a terrible friend) and she drops some bombs on me!  Although we haven't talked all that much recently, it seemed that we both were struggling with the exact same issue and didn't even know it! As some of you may or may not have seen my Facebook status from a couple days ago, it read something like this: "It seems that all my friends are either coupling up or making babies. Guess I'll just keep getting more awesome by myself." It truly does feel that everyone around me is getting into new relationships, or getting married, or growing babies or already has babies. And once again, I'm not slamming those choices but it definitely makes me feel somewhat left out and more single than I've ever felt. I don't have a boyfriend, hell I don't even have a prospective boyfriend. And Lord knows you can't grow babies without a man (not that I want to do that, yikes!) But babies and boyfriends aren't even important to me right now. I simply want friends like me, single, fun and enjoy a few drinks. At 26, where and how the hell do you find new friends?! And I'm not trying to replace my old friends but like any friendship sometimes life gets in the way and distance comes between you.

So here I sit, pondering about how I'm going to meet new friends. My best friend was going through the same problem a few months ago but then she got a boyfriend and met all new friends through him. Does that mean if I don't have a boyfriend then I won't get any new friends? Is that the key, a boyfriend? Ugh, why does everything have to revolve around men? Ok, not everything does but a lot. This is a real tricky shituation I'm in and I'm utterly perplexed. (Ya like that, Juice?)

But back to my friend on Tuesday. She is struggling with the same thing. Unhappy with her social life, or lack thereof, and wonders why she doesn't have that core group of friends that she can always go to for anything. As we were strolling the aisles of Dollar Tree, we began questioning why we had been feeling so lonely and loser-like. Her questions were very deep and honestly, I had no answer for them and probably never will. Questions like, "Do I not have that core group of friends because I've pushed people away so much? And sometimes it's subconsciously that I push them away but I'll be close to them for a couple weeks then it just fades away, why is that?" And she also tried to relate it back to a negative childhood experience. I mean, she was really digging deep for answers but I just couldn't deliver and neither could she. I was blaming my loneliness and nonsocial life on the Youngest Child Syndrome. I feel that I should be receiving the invites from everyone else, not inviting myself out. I want the attention to be given to me, I don't want to ask for it. But I'm such a contradiction sometimes because when I do get an invite to go out and do something, I turn it down! I blame it on a early shift at work. So this is partly my own doing. I want the attention but when I get it, I throw it right back out. I'm just not sure how to proceed with this issue....once again, I'm utterly perplexed.

Now we have made it to Wednesday (which is today). My friend tells me that her boyfriend is planning to move to her city by next summer so they can be closer. Of course we discuss the topic of living together and playing house before marriage. She says that it won't happen but if I were to bet on it...I might have some extra cash by next summer. :) But regardless, I will always be supportive of any decision she makes. Cause that's what friends do. So as we are talking about her relationship, the only thoughts running through my mind are, "Don't say anything that might question her love for him. Just cause you're single and lonely, doesn't mean you should try to bring her down too. Be a friend, be supportive, be patient."  It's really hard when your best friend has everything going for her and everything is falling into place for her but not you. You're still stuck in this rut. It's not jealousy. It's not bitterness or anger. It's just frustration. And I wouldn't change anything about her life right now cause she deserves all of the happiness in the world! It's just a reality check for me and the laundry list of things that I don't have right now. Gah, just as I reread that I realize that was such a pessimistic thing to say. "What I don't have" *bitch slap* (Here comes the pep talk) It's not about what I don't have in life, it's about what I DO have. The best family and friends I could ever ask for!

Now, did I come up with an underlying connection between all 3 stories? No. But I did write a pretty long post which is better than the last one! What an eventful 3 days, eh? But life moves on and it's not about the circumstances your dealt, it's about the attitude you have during those circumstances. Life is what you make it. Is there such a thing as an emotional spaz? Cause I think I am one. I'm a rollercoaster of emotions sometimes and I can tear myself down and build myself back up all during one blog post. Awesome. With that said, the ride is over folks. Time to get off.

(Maybe I should think about formatting this thing? Ya know, changing up the fonts for visual interest. Thoughts?)

P.S.
Oklahoma Girl, this should answer your question of what's going on with me. Can you imagine me texting all this? Hope you understand. Muah!