Yesterday, it was life at 25. Today it feels like life at 95! I can barely sit down in a chair without cringing or moaning and every step feels like pins poking in my butt and thighs. My returning motivation has landed me in some returning pain. I knew going into my workout yesterday morning that I would be sore for a couple days, (that's what I get for avoiding squats and lunges for months) but I didn't anticipate my back to be in so much pain that I can barely bend over to tie my shoe. For the last year or two I've been having troubles with my lower back. I can't tell if it's a muscle thing or a bone thing or dare I say an organ thing. But it seems that intense exercise or heavy lifting tends to irritate it the most. I've put off going to the doctor for two reasons: 1. I'm hoping one day I'll just wake up and it won't hurt anymore and 2. I can't really afford a doctor visit these days, and that's just for one visit, I sure as hell wouldn't be able to afford a treatment or therapy if something was really wrong with it. So that leaves me with bearing through the pain and hope it's nothing serious.
Despite being super sore today I still got up before sunrise (even on my day off) to go for a run to hopefully help loosen the muscles that had tightened up overnight. I can get bored with the same view on my runs/walks so I decided to try a new path that I had my eye on since last summer. Although I didn't keep a pedometer with me, I estimated (by counting the number of songs playing on my Ipod) that I had ran about 3 miles and walked about 2. Not bad for waking up and barely being able to move! That's two days in a row of exercise before sunrise and hoping to keep it up as long as I can. This weekend will definitely be a challenge, it always is.
So I've got the exercise getting into gear, now I'm just waiting on the healthier food to kick in. This week's paycheck goes straight to rent but next week's is going straight to groceries! I'm psyched! I've been finding new recipes to try and have made a new agreement with myself: One day of the week will be dedicated to meatless meals and another day will be dedicated to a new, healthy recipe with an ingredient that I had never eaten/used before, i.e. tofu. Seems like a great challenge, eh?!
I am really trying to hard to end this with a catchy, memorable quote or saying to wrap up this challenge-themed post but I guess this is one challenge that I will end in failure. Epic failure.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Awkward appears 16 times in this post, is that awkward?
Life at 25 is almost back to normal. After a couple months of uncertainty, I can say that the stress is down and motivation is back up! I've began exercising again, reading books again, and sleeping in my own bed again! Now if I can just get a little bit more money in my account then I'd be able to go grocery shopping to get some real food so I can start cooking again! Living on bologna sandwiches, scrambled eggs and cereal gets pretty old after a week. None the less, I'm a lot happier than I was 2 months ago. But let me get on to the main point of this post...
The other night I hung out with a friend, Todd, (name as been changed for privacy or whatever they say in real books) that I hadn't seen in what we determined had been 6 months. Apparently I had gotten upset with him over a conversation we were having at the bar and I just quit talking to him...for 6 months. What a lousy friend, eh? Anyway, he forgave me and we picked up right where we left off, just shooting the shit and talking about everything we had been up to the last couple months. So as we were talking the lock on the door starts to make noise. I'm thinking it was going to be his fiance or a friend that I hadn't met or whatever but no...it was one of the last people I had imagined seeing that night.
Let me give you a bit of history on this surprise person. About a year ago, Todd and his girlfriend (now fiance) wanted to set me up with their friend, Nolan (name has been changed). They told me Nolan was a great guy and we would hit it off for sure. So I gave them the benefit of the doubt and agreed to meet him. We hung out a couple times and it was alright but like every other guy, it just didn't feel right to me so I phased him out and eventually quit talking to him altogether. So when Todd would invite me to hang out with him, I would always decline the offer for fear of seeing Nolan and the awkardness it would entail.
Fast forward to the night I'm hanging out with Todd. So as the door is opening, I look up and you guessed it, it was Nolan! The quick second that Nolan turned to shut the door, I shot a look at my friend that read a little something like this, "Oh my god, this is weeeiiiirrrddd!" Of course, I wiped that look off my face as soon as Nolan came to sit on the couch next to us. We said our hello's and went on with our conversation, all the while shooting the wide-eyed looks over to Todd as soon as Nolan would look away. Being the cool chick that I am, I spent the rest of the night acting like nothing was wrong or weird or awkward and totally pulled it off! Todd even said I was doing a great job! Anyway, here's the underlying question...or questions, rather...
When running into an ex (and when I say ex, that can mean ex-boyfriend, ex-friend, ex-guy you went on a couples dates with, it can mean anything), will it always be awkward? And who's it more awkward for, the dumper or the dumpee? AND how much time should elapse until the awkwardness is gone? It had been almost a year since I had seen this guy but yet, it was still awkward! Is it only awkward the first time seeing them after the "breakup" or will it continue to be awkward? Did the awkwardness even cross his mind the entire night or was it just me? Is it a girl thing or do guys feel awkward in those types of situations too?
There's no way of knowing if it was awkward for Nolan, unless I ask him and let's be frank, that ain't happening cause then it's just going to get more awkward. But after experiencing a handful of awkward meetings like this, I guess you learn how to play it cool and act like nothing happened. (I mean, come on, it had been almost a year!) I know for a fact there will be more awkward moments ahead of me and for every awkward moment, there is a moment of relief...because at that moment, I realize I made the right decision and it's just one more awkward moment closer to you.
The other night I hung out with a friend, Todd, (name as been changed for privacy or whatever they say in real books) that I hadn't seen in what we determined had been 6 months. Apparently I had gotten upset with him over a conversation we were having at the bar and I just quit talking to him...for 6 months. What a lousy friend, eh? Anyway, he forgave me and we picked up right where we left off, just shooting the shit and talking about everything we had been up to the last couple months. So as we were talking the lock on the door starts to make noise. I'm thinking it was going to be his fiance or a friend that I hadn't met or whatever but no...it was one of the last people I had imagined seeing that night.
Let me give you a bit of history on this surprise person. About a year ago, Todd and his girlfriend (now fiance) wanted to set me up with their friend, Nolan (name has been changed). They told me Nolan was a great guy and we would hit it off for sure. So I gave them the benefit of the doubt and agreed to meet him. We hung out a couple times and it was alright but like every other guy, it just didn't feel right to me so I phased him out and eventually quit talking to him altogether. So when Todd would invite me to hang out with him, I would always decline the offer for fear of seeing Nolan and the awkardness it would entail.
Fast forward to the night I'm hanging out with Todd. So as the door is opening, I look up and you guessed it, it was Nolan! The quick second that Nolan turned to shut the door, I shot a look at my friend that read a little something like this, "Oh my god, this is weeeiiiirrrddd!" Of course, I wiped that look off my face as soon as Nolan came to sit on the couch next to us. We said our hello's and went on with our conversation, all the while shooting the wide-eyed looks over to Todd as soon as Nolan would look away. Being the cool chick that I am, I spent the rest of the night acting like nothing was wrong or weird or awkward and totally pulled it off! Todd even said I was doing a great job! Anyway, here's the underlying question...or questions, rather...
When running into an ex (and when I say ex, that can mean ex-boyfriend, ex-friend, ex-guy you went on a couples dates with, it can mean anything), will it always be awkward? And who's it more awkward for, the dumper or the dumpee? AND how much time should elapse until the awkwardness is gone? It had been almost a year since I had seen this guy but yet, it was still awkward! Is it only awkward the first time seeing them after the "breakup" or will it continue to be awkward? Did the awkwardness even cross his mind the entire night or was it just me? Is it a girl thing or do guys feel awkward in those types of situations too?
There's no way of knowing if it was awkward for Nolan, unless I ask him and let's be frank, that ain't happening cause then it's just going to get more awkward. But after experiencing a handful of awkward meetings like this, I guess you learn how to play it cool and act like nothing happened. (I mean, come on, it had been almost a year!) I know for a fact there will be more awkward moments ahead of me and for every awkward moment, there is a moment of relief...because at that moment, I realize I made the right decision and it's just one more awkward moment closer to you.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
You can't always get what you want. (Sometimes, you get something better!)
"You need to have a plan."
I went to lunch last week with some friends that I only get to see maybe once a month. And these friends aren't just any normal friends. 1. I met them at church. 2. They were our class leaders for a bible study that lasted about 6 months. I value their support and wisdom and could not ask for better role models to look up to. So as soon as we sat down for lunch, Matt, being the caring, inquisitive man that he is, started asking what I had been up to since I last saw them. I gave him a brief outline of all the changes that had been occurring in my life and he fired back the one question I couldn't answer, more so, the question I didn't want to answer, "What's your plan?"
Somewhere growing up, I developed the characteristic of a planner. I like to have a plan, I like to develop a plan, I like to know what everyone else's plan is, even if it doesn't concern me. It's almost like I'm a serial organizer, if you will.
Anyway, when Matt asked me this question I couldn't really formulate an answer. For once, I didn't have a plan. At that point, I was so emotionally unstable (and still am) that I'm simply taking it one day at a time and dealing with everything as it comes. And that's what I told him. "You need to have a plan. You need to set some goals and deadlines and stick to them." Yes, Matt, I understand that but this summer has beaten me down so badly that I'm just too tired to formulate a plan. That and I just don't know what needs to be done or what the plan needs to entail. But the observation I've made over the past couple days is this:
Why do we even make plans? Rarely, if ever, do they actually come to fruition the way you wanted them to originally. There is always something that comes up that changes it somehow.
I didn't plan to go to a private, Methodist college to play golf for 3 years. I didn't plan to move to Wichita. I didn't plan to go to a tech school to do interior design. I didn't plan to only work at a design firm for 6 months. I didn't plan to take yet another job that doesn't utilize my talents or education. I didn't plan on staying in the same apartment for 2 years, moving out, then going right back to where I was (but in a bigger space). I didn't plan any of this! So why should I make a plan for the next 5 years when Lord knows, I'm not going to be where I plan to be! It's almost as if by making a plan, especially a big plan, like a 5 year plan, I'm just setting myself up for disappointment. (Or the optimist in me says success!) And I'm not saying that I fear the future because I don't. I know God will direct me in the right way. So I guess that's where I come full circle in this debacle. This is where my faith strengthens! This is the time when I throw my hands up and just fall back trusting the Lord will catch me! I can plan, plan, plan, every step I wanna take or should take, but the truth is, that's not what is going to happen. You know what they say, "You want to make God laugh? Tell Him your plans."
I like to think I know what I want and what's best for me. But honestly, I don't. So how can I logically formulate a plan to get where I THINK I wanna be? When what matters is the place I should be, which I won't know until I get there, and only by the wisdom of God will I be able to recognize that.
So here's my plan now: Instead of just "talking the talk" about trusting in the Lord's plan, I'm planning on "walking the walk" and whole-heartedly putting my complete trust in the Lord and His promises. (That should relieve some stress, eh?) Don't get it twisted though, this does not mean I'm going to become lazy and just wait for my future to come to me. You best believe I'm going to strive to achieve my goals! But it's the part of which direction to go that I leave up to the Lord and simply ask Him to point my shoulders in the right direction. In conclusion, here is some of my favorite verses:
Proverbs 16:9 "In their hearts human plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps."
Proverbs 19:21 "Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."
Psalm 20:4 "May He give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed."
Jeremiah 29:11 "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you and not to hard you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"
I went to lunch last week with some friends that I only get to see maybe once a month. And these friends aren't just any normal friends. 1. I met them at church. 2. They were our class leaders for a bible study that lasted about 6 months. I value their support and wisdom and could not ask for better role models to look up to. So as soon as we sat down for lunch, Matt, being the caring, inquisitive man that he is, started asking what I had been up to since I last saw them. I gave him a brief outline of all the changes that had been occurring in my life and he fired back the one question I couldn't answer, more so, the question I didn't want to answer, "What's your plan?"
Somewhere growing up, I developed the characteristic of a planner. I like to have a plan, I like to develop a plan, I like to know what everyone else's plan is, even if it doesn't concern me. It's almost like I'm a serial organizer, if you will.
Anyway, when Matt asked me this question I couldn't really formulate an answer. For once, I didn't have a plan. At that point, I was so emotionally unstable (and still am) that I'm simply taking it one day at a time and dealing with everything as it comes. And that's what I told him. "You need to have a plan. You need to set some goals and deadlines and stick to them." Yes, Matt, I understand that but this summer has beaten me down so badly that I'm just too tired to formulate a plan. That and I just don't know what needs to be done or what the plan needs to entail. But the observation I've made over the past couple days is this:
Why do we even make plans? Rarely, if ever, do they actually come to fruition the way you wanted them to originally. There is always something that comes up that changes it somehow.
I didn't plan to go to a private, Methodist college to play golf for 3 years. I didn't plan to move to Wichita. I didn't plan to go to a tech school to do interior design. I didn't plan to only work at a design firm for 6 months. I didn't plan to take yet another job that doesn't utilize my talents or education. I didn't plan on staying in the same apartment for 2 years, moving out, then going right back to where I was (but in a bigger space). I didn't plan any of this! So why should I make a plan for the next 5 years when Lord knows, I'm not going to be where I plan to be! It's almost as if by making a plan, especially a big plan, like a 5 year plan, I'm just setting myself up for disappointment. (Or the optimist in me says success!) And I'm not saying that I fear the future because I don't. I know God will direct me in the right way. So I guess that's where I come full circle in this debacle. This is where my faith strengthens! This is the time when I throw my hands up and just fall back trusting the Lord will catch me! I can plan, plan, plan, every step I wanna take or should take, but the truth is, that's not what is going to happen. You know what they say, "You want to make God laugh? Tell Him your plans."
I like to think I know what I want and what's best for me. But honestly, I don't. So how can I logically formulate a plan to get where I THINK I wanna be? When what matters is the place I should be, which I won't know until I get there, and only by the wisdom of God will I be able to recognize that.
So here's my plan now: Instead of just "talking the talk" about trusting in the Lord's plan, I'm planning on "walking the walk" and whole-heartedly putting my complete trust in the Lord and His promises. (That should relieve some stress, eh?) Don't get it twisted though, this does not mean I'm going to become lazy and just wait for my future to come to me. You best believe I'm going to strive to achieve my goals! But it's the part of which direction to go that I leave up to the Lord and simply ask Him to point my shoulders in the right direction. In conclusion, here is some of my favorite verses:
Proverbs 16:9 "In their hearts human plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps."
Proverbs 19:21 "Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."
Psalm 20:4 "May He give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed."
Jeremiah 29:11 "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you and not to hard you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"
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