Since we last spoke, not a lot has changed in my world. Still at the same job, still the same weight, still wanting a change. Physically speaking, all is well. Emotionally speaking, however, is different. I've been rocked with a handful of big topics from an assortment of friends and my thoughts could not be more scattered right now. And to make it worse, I'm trying my hardest to make an underlying connection between all of these topics but it's just not coming together like I want it to. Might be a Scorpio thing. I doubt it though. But maybe it is. Hmm....Anyway, I guess I'm just going to have to break it all down individually and hope that while I type it out a central theme will reveal itself. Here we gooooo!!!!
So to start things off I'll go back to Monday. Nearing the end of my shit, I mean shift (sorry for that), my very good friend (whom also works there) came to my area to discuss some issues in her relationship. Without going into detail, the topic was infidelity. Being a victim of infidelity myself I could immediately relate to her feelings and anxieties. There is nothing worse than betrayal by a loved one. But this is what really has me worred about her...I'm fairly certain she has never experienced this kind of betrayal and she is like any other girl and worries and stresses and overanalyzes everything when it comes to relationships. So whether he did it or not and whether they stay together or not, the damage is done. She will now and forever question every man's loyalty and faithfulness from here on out. And that makes me so angry! This is not a slam on her and she can probably admit this herself but she is kind of a headcase when it comes to guys. And I don't blame her! They are hard to trust and hard to understand. So this shit that just hit the fan is only going to turn her into a bigger headcase and I feel terrible for her because it sucks! But girl, yeah I'm looking at you Accessories, everything is going to be fine! And don't forget you got a friend who lives 5 minutes away and is always stocked with a bottle of wine. Got it? :)
Moving on to Tuesday...I meet up with a friend whom I haven't seen in months (and she lives right up the road. Gah I'm a terrible friend) and she drops some bombs on me! Although we haven't talked all that much recently, it seemed that we both were struggling with the exact same issue and didn't even know it! As some of you may or may not have seen my Facebook status from a couple days ago, it read something like this: "It seems that all my friends are either coupling up or making babies. Guess I'll just keep getting more awesome by myself." It truly does feel that everyone around me is getting into new relationships, or getting married, or growing babies or already has babies. And once again, I'm not slamming those choices but it definitely makes me feel somewhat left out and more single than I've ever felt. I don't have a boyfriend, hell I don't even have a prospective boyfriend. And Lord knows you can't grow babies without a man (not that I want to do that, yikes!) But babies and boyfriends aren't even important to me right now. I simply want friends like me, single, fun and enjoy a few drinks. At 26, where and how the hell do you find new friends?! And I'm not trying to replace my old friends but like any friendship sometimes life gets in the way and distance comes between you.
So here I sit, pondering about how I'm going to meet new friends. My best friend was going through the same problem a few months ago but then she got a boyfriend and met all new friends through him. Does that mean if I don't have a boyfriend then I won't get any new friends? Is that the key, a boyfriend? Ugh, why does everything have to revolve around men? Ok, not everything does but a lot. This is a real tricky shituation I'm in and I'm utterly perplexed. (Ya like that, Juice?)
But back to my friend on Tuesday. She is struggling with the same thing. Unhappy with her social life, or lack thereof, and wonders why she doesn't have that core group of friends that she can always go to for anything. As we were strolling the aisles of Dollar Tree, we began questioning why we had been feeling so lonely and loser-like. Her questions were very deep and honestly, I had no answer for them and probably never will. Questions like, "Do I not have that core group of friends because I've pushed people away so much? And sometimes it's subconsciously that I push them away but I'll be close to them for a couple weeks then it just fades away, why is that?" And she also tried to relate it back to a negative childhood experience. I mean, she was really digging deep for answers but I just couldn't deliver and neither could she. I was blaming my loneliness and nonsocial life on the Youngest Child Syndrome. I feel that I should be receiving the invites from everyone else, not inviting myself out. I want the attention to be given to me, I don't want to ask for it. But I'm such a contradiction sometimes because when I do get an invite to go out and do something, I turn it down! I blame it on a early shift at work. So this is partly my own doing. I want the attention but when I get it, I throw it right back out. I'm just not sure how to proceed with this issue....once again, I'm utterly perplexed.
Now we have made it to Wednesday (which is today). My friend tells me that her boyfriend is planning to move to her city by next summer so they can be closer. Of course we discuss the topic of living together and playing house before marriage. She says that it won't happen but if I were to bet on it...I might have some extra cash by next summer. :) But regardless, I will always be supportive of any decision she makes. Cause that's what friends do. So as we are talking about her relationship, the only thoughts running through my mind are, "Don't say anything that might question her love for him. Just cause you're single and lonely, doesn't mean you should try to bring her down too. Be a friend, be supportive, be patient." It's really hard when your best friend has everything going for her and everything is falling into place for her but not you. You're still stuck in this rut. It's not jealousy. It's not bitterness or anger. It's just frustration. And I wouldn't change anything about her life right now cause she deserves all of the happiness in the world! It's just a reality check for me and the laundry list of things that I don't have right now. Gah, just as I reread that I realize that was such a pessimistic thing to say. "What I don't have" *bitch slap* (Here comes the pep talk) It's not about what I don't have in life, it's about what I DO have. The best family and friends I could ever ask for!
Now, did I come up with an underlying connection between all 3 stories? No. But I did write a pretty long post which is better than the last one! What an eventful 3 days, eh? But life moves on and it's not about the circumstances your dealt, it's about the attitude you have during those circumstances. Life is what you make it. Is there such a thing as an emotional spaz? Cause I think I am one. I'm a rollercoaster of emotions sometimes and I can tear myself down and build myself back up all during one blog post. Awesome. With that said, the ride is over folks. Time to get off.
(Maybe I should think about formatting this thing? Ya know, changing up the fonts for visual interest. Thoughts?)
P.S.
Oklahoma Girl, this should answer your question of what's going on with me. Can you imagine me texting all this? Hope you understand. Muah!
No comments:
Post a Comment