Let's Ride

Since we last spoke, not a lot has changed in my world. Still at the same job, still the same weight, still wanting a change. Physically speaking, all is well. Emotionally speaking, however, is different. I've been rocked with a handful of big topics from an assortment of friends and my thoughts could not be more scattered right now. And to make it worse, I'm trying my hardest to make an underlying connection between all of these topics but it's just not coming together like I want it to. Might be a Scorpio thing. I doubt it though. But maybe it is. Hmm....Anyway, I guess I'm just going to have to break it all down individually and hope that while I type it out a central theme will reveal itself. Here we gooooo!!!!

So to start things off I'll go back to Monday. Nearing the end of my shit, I mean shift (sorry for that), my very good friend (whom also works there) came to my area to discuss some issues in her relationship. Without going into detail, the topic was infidelity. Being a victim of infidelity myself I could immediately relate to her feelings and anxieties. There is nothing worse than betrayal by a loved one. But this is what really has me worred about her...I'm fairly certain she has never experienced this kind of betrayal and she is like any other girl and worries and stresses and overanalyzes everything when it comes to relationships. So whether he did it or not and whether they stay together or not, the damage is done. She will now and forever question every man's loyalty and faithfulness from here on out. And that makes me so angry! This is not a slam on her and she can probably admit this herself but she is kind of a headcase when it comes to guys. And I don't blame her! They are hard to trust and hard to understand. So this shit that just hit the fan is only going to turn her into a bigger headcase and I feel terrible for her because it sucks! But girl, yeah I'm looking at you Accessories, everything is going to be fine! And don't forget you got a friend who lives 5 minutes away and is always stocked with a bottle of wine. Got it? :)

Moving on to Tuesday...I meet up with a friend whom I haven't seen in months (and she lives right up the road. Gah I'm a terrible friend) and she drops some bombs on me!  Although we haven't talked all that much recently, it seemed that we both were struggling with the exact same issue and didn't even know it! As some of you may or may not have seen my Facebook status from a couple days ago, it read something like this: "It seems that all my friends are either coupling up or making babies. Guess I'll just keep getting more awesome by myself." It truly does feel that everyone around me is getting into new relationships, or getting married, or growing babies or already has babies. And once again, I'm not slamming those choices but it definitely makes me feel somewhat left out and more single than I've ever felt. I don't have a boyfriend, hell I don't even have a prospective boyfriend. And Lord knows you can't grow babies without a man (not that I want to do that, yikes!) But babies and boyfriends aren't even important to me right now. I simply want friends like me, single, fun and enjoy a few drinks. At 26, where and how the hell do you find new friends?! And I'm not trying to replace my old friends but like any friendship sometimes life gets in the way and distance comes between you.

So here I sit, pondering about how I'm going to meet new friends. My best friend was going through the same problem a few months ago but then she got a boyfriend and met all new friends through him. Does that mean if I don't have a boyfriend then I won't get any new friends? Is that the key, a boyfriend? Ugh, why does everything have to revolve around men? Ok, not everything does but a lot. This is a real tricky shituation I'm in and I'm utterly perplexed. (Ya like that, Juice?)

But back to my friend on Tuesday. She is struggling with the same thing. Unhappy with her social life, or lack thereof, and wonders why she doesn't have that core group of friends that she can always go to for anything. As we were strolling the aisles of Dollar Tree, we began questioning why we had been feeling so lonely and loser-like. Her questions were very deep and honestly, I had no answer for them and probably never will. Questions like, "Do I not have that core group of friends because I've pushed people away so much? And sometimes it's subconsciously that I push them away but I'll be close to them for a couple weeks then it just fades away, why is that?" And she also tried to relate it back to a negative childhood experience. I mean, she was really digging deep for answers but I just couldn't deliver and neither could she. I was blaming my loneliness and nonsocial life on the Youngest Child Syndrome. I feel that I should be receiving the invites from everyone else, not inviting myself out. I want the attention to be given to me, I don't want to ask for it. But I'm such a contradiction sometimes because when I do get an invite to go out and do something, I turn it down! I blame it on a early shift at work. So this is partly my own doing. I want the attention but when I get it, I throw it right back out. I'm just not sure how to proceed with this issue....once again, I'm utterly perplexed.

Now we have made it to Wednesday (which is today). My friend tells me that her boyfriend is planning to move to her city by next summer so they can be closer. Of course we discuss the topic of living together and playing house before marriage. She says that it won't happen but if I were to bet on it...I might have some extra cash by next summer. :) But regardless, I will always be supportive of any decision she makes. Cause that's what friends do. So as we are talking about her relationship, the only thoughts running through my mind are, "Don't say anything that might question her love for him. Just cause you're single and lonely, doesn't mean you should try to bring her down too. Be a friend, be supportive, be patient."  It's really hard when your best friend has everything going for her and everything is falling into place for her but not you. You're still stuck in this rut. It's not jealousy. It's not bitterness or anger. It's just frustration. And I wouldn't change anything about her life right now cause she deserves all of the happiness in the world! It's just a reality check for me and the laundry list of things that I don't have right now. Gah, just as I reread that I realize that was such a pessimistic thing to say. "What I don't have" *bitch slap* (Here comes the pep talk) It's not about what I don't have in life, it's about what I DO have. The best family and friends I could ever ask for!

Now, did I come up with an underlying connection between all 3 stories? No. But I did write a pretty long post which is better than the last one! What an eventful 3 days, eh? But life moves on and it's not about the circumstances your dealt, it's about the attitude you have during those circumstances. Life is what you make it. Is there such a thing as an emotional spaz? Cause I think I am one. I'm a rollercoaster of emotions sometimes and I can tear myself down and build myself back up all during one blog post. Awesome. With that said, the ride is over folks. Time to get off.

(Maybe I should think about formatting this thing? Ya know, changing up the fonts for visual interest. Thoughts?)

P.S.
Oklahoma Girl, this should answer your question of what's going on with me. Can you imagine me texting all this? Hope you understand. Muah!

I Won't Be Mad If You Don't Read This

Time to blog it out! Let's goooo!!!

Ok, so for some reason the past couple days my mind has been all over the place and not staying on one thought longer than 3 seconds before moving on to something else. Very spastic. For instance, I'm writing this blog with no central topic idea but yet I'm typing cause I know, eventually, something will formulate into a complete thought and you'll be the first to know it!

So thoughts running through my head just this morning: "Time was changed so the clock says 6:30 a.m. but really it's 7:30 and that's why you're waking up so just go back to sleep." Immediately followed by, "I really need to look for another job." On top of, "How am I going to hang my snowflakes if I can't reach the ceiling?" And, "Mom is so going to love the Christmas cards I made!" With a dose of, "Why am I rushing this whole growing up thing? I'm 26. There's no need to hurry." Also, "I think I need a rolling pin to make homemade biscuits. Damn. I don't have a rolling pin."

Can you see how my anxiety just zooms through the roof?! Too many thoughts for it being a lazy Sunday. And that was just the PG13 thoughts. But maybe I'm wrong, maybe I won't develop a central topic for this blog cause I'm sure as hell not sitting here for 3 hours racking my brain for a topic just to please my audience. Hayaright. But something has to change. The spastic behavior of my brain must cease cause it's only stressing me out even more than usual. Does anyone have any suggestions or helpful hints? Besides prescription drugs.

Alright, it's official. This is the shortest, full of nonsense blog I've written. Attention span has moved on to pancakes.

Frosted Flakes or Lucky Charms?

I enjoy meeting new people. I enjoy discovering things about them. I also enjoy allowing someone else to discover things about me. And how you discover things about people is by asking them questions. Questions like, "Where did you grow up?," "Do you have any siblings?," and my favorite, "What do you like to do for fun?"

What do you like to do for fun?

I was being sarcastic when I said it was my favorite question. Honestly, I hate answering that question. And here's why. I think there is a difference between doing something for fun and doing something you just enjoy. Here's an example: I like to lay in bed and read books. I wouldn't necessarily say that I'm having fun but I do enjoy it. What's really fun for me is hanging out with family and friends or physical activity like sports or concerts. So how are you supposed to answer that question? Do you tell them the things you do in your daily life that you enjoy or do you tell them the fun things you only get to do every once in a while? I might get to do one really fun thing once a month, whether it be a round of golf, having a dance party with my best friend, drinking beers with my sisters, or attending a concert with a group of friends. But my daily life really isn't that fun. Every day is pretty much the same. Wake up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, lounge on the couch and go get in bed and read a book before I fall asleep then do it all again the next day. You wanna know what life is really like at 25? There it is.

Some nights I question if I should be out doing something. I mean hell, I'm 25. I spend almost every night watching tv then going straight to bed...before midnight. Sometimes I feel like I should be going out to clubs every night or tearing up the town..wait, what am I saying..I live in Wichita, Kansas, there's not a whole lot of options. But what should typical 25 year olds be doing? I'm working a full-time job, searching for a new job to begin my career, I've already finished college (for now), and paying bills so at some point responsibility has to kick in. But I'm truly ok with my schedule...my sad, lame, same every day schedule.

So here I sit on a Tuesday evening, watching tv, blogging and yawning. Awesome. Gah, no wonder I'm single. I don't do anything! How am I supposed to find a boyfriend when I spend every night on this couch? (I jokingly say that my boyfriend is the tv or I have a hot date with my remote.) But then again, I've always said that I don't want to find a boyfriend at a bar. So where does that leave me? Hoping to magically meet a guy on the cereal aisle at the grocery store ooorrrr online dating. Double awesome.

Here's to hoping!! Tink Tink!

I Need a Break, But I'd Rather Have a Breakthrough

**So much for blogging every week. It's been a month since my last post. Whoopsies. (Don't get it twisted though, life at 25 hasn't gotten any busier, just lazier.)**

As you may or may not know, Life at 25 is approaching a birthday this month. Yay! Along with the celebrations come some makeovers. Especially a makeover of this blog. And when I say 'makeover,' I really mean just a new title. I've been giving it a lot of thought (the 10 minute drive home this evening) but I couldn't quite select the correct verb/adjective/phrase so it's still in progress. Anyway, on to the real reason why you're here...

In the last 12 months, there have been ups and downs but relatively no drastic changes. I'm still single, I still have braces, I'm still chasing after my dream, and I'm still fitting into the same jeans. Can't really complain. However, I think the next 12 months might bring something else to the table. Have you ever had the feeling that something really good is about to happen to you? When you just know that you're on the verge of some big changes in your life? When you can just feel you're about to have a breakthrough and turn a corner to something greater? I have had some nights recently when I lay in bed and I have to tell myself, "You better enjoy these early nights to bed and this queen-size bed all to yourself cause you won't have many more of them, girl." Shoot, maybe that's just me fooling myself. But maybe it's not. Maybe it's something bigger. I like to believe that that's God putting those hints and thoughts in my mind. That's Him sending a warning down to me that says, "You better cuddle with that body pillow as much as you can cause it's about to be replaced with some hairy, bony, sharp-toenailed legs." But honestly, if I don't find love this next year, so what? What I really want to find this year is a damn design job. (And God, if you're reading this and I know you are...could you speed up the process a little bit. I'm just penting up all this creative energy and before too long, I'm gonna explode. Thanks.)

Like I said earlier, on my drive home this evening I had a lot of thoughts running through my mind. But one stood out the most. I'm going to put it in question form and I challenge anyone and everyone who reads this to send me a Facebook message (Kenna Corley) with your response. Actually, it's going to be a couple questions. Here goes...

Are you just surviving or are you really living?

Are you still chasing your dreams or have you already achieved them or have you just plain given up on your dreams and settled for what the universe gave you?

I strongly encourage everyone to respond to me with answers to those questions. At 25, I feel like I'm approaching not only a birthday, but a fork in the road. Do I just want to survive or do I wanna really live?! The answer has to be obvious. For the last couple years, I've lived in fear. Fear of success. Fear of going after my dreams. I'm soooo over that. That's called lack of confidence and girl, I'm just too old for that now. But what I'm looking for is encouragement. Encouragement to keep fighting and chasing after those dreams. Whether it be success stories or stories of failure and your testimonies of how you got to where you are now and what advice you would give to a friend.

After reading this post, I felt like I needed to add just a little something more (I hope it all connects somehow). A very good friend of mine recently began blogging for the first time (I'm so proud of her ;)) and her title was "Surviving at 25." Her boyfriend had just been deployed once again. And before I had even read her first post, just knowing the title, I really thought she got it all wrong. Her attitude and outlook on her life right now was all wrong. "Surviving?! Girl, you're 25. You have everything going for you. What is there to be surviving?" But then I thought...I don't have a boyfriend, especially one that is deployed in a country across the world. There's no way I can relate to that. So the guilt kicked in. Then the compassion. Then I finally found a connecting thread between her struggles and my struggles. We are both just surviving. She hit the nail on the head. But instead of 'surviving,' I like to call it 'functioning.'

A recent message I heard at church was so perfectly written and directed for me that I could barely fight back the tears. The pastor had told a story of people that had to leave their home and go to Babylon. (Babylon at that time was the last place any believer wanted to be. Pretty much Hell.) But God had told the people to go anyway and that He would take care of them. He wouldn't tell them when He would take them out of Babylon, He just told them that He had good plans for them and they just need to function, basically to put one foot in front of the other and function.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

So as my friend stuggles with her boyfriend being across the world and I struggle with searching for a design job that I want so very badly, we must simply function and get through our days. God isn't saying to just sit around by the phone and wait for him to call and change your life. You still have to do what needs to be done. But just keep going, keep hanging in there, and keep a postive attitude. Because God has seen your future and my future and He has engineered it for good! And He will bring you to it! That's His promise.

In the Kitchen

Tonight was a night of first's in the kitchen. When deciding what recipe to try tonight, I opted for the recipe that called for something that I always been afraid of: TOFU.

The recipe was Sweet & Sour Shrimp from the Cooking Light website.

That's an original photo of the meal I made, not the photo from the website. :) (Hard to tell the difference, huh?)

The title of the recipe was deceiving since one of the main ingredients was in fact, tofu. But I decided to go for the challenge regardless. The recipe also called for another ingredient that I had always been avoiding: ginger. And I can confidently say that this recipe has squashed my fear of tofu and ginger forever. So let me walk you through the eventful cooking process of this recipe...

It was going smoothly up until I added sesame oil to a hot pan. Bad idea. Nothing scares me more in the kitchen than hot oil popping all over the place, especially when it's on my skin. Ouchies. Other than that, I only had one misunderstanding of the recipe but it ended up working out just the same. But to the publishers of Cooking Light, please include the word, 'separately' when referring to cornstarch mixtures. I'm a pretty smart person but that part...evidently was read wrong and I mixed it all together. Whoops.

All in all, the recipe turned out great! The chile garlic paste definitely turned up the heat but the flavor was still excellent. I ended up eating only half of what was on the plate and had plenty of leftovers for another night. The meal was a success and definitely keeping the recipe for another go-around.

And to everyone who is afraid of tofu, i.e. almost everyone I know, the texture is like mashed potatoes or jell-o. You just push it up on the top of your mouth and it's gone. It has no flavor except for the flavor of the sauce that its mixed with, it's simply added protein. And ginger...welcome to my life. Your aroma is pleasant and welcoming. :)

Can't wait for next week's challenge!

Life at 25: In the Kitchen

**Sooo...I was trying to expand my blog and create a new page for a different topic about Life at 25 buuuutt...evidently it's not possible unless I create an entirely different blog with a different URL and that's just not convenient for me. So I guess I'm just going to adding the new posts to the original page and I'll just have to be creative with titles so everyone will be able to understand what's going on. Whew, ok, on to the good stuff!**

Moving into a new apartment has given me new motivation and new inspiration. Not only with decorating but also with food. It's been a time of fresh beginnings and fresh feelings. While the job hunt continues (actually, it needs to get started again), everything else is finally getting settled. I've began getting up at 6:30 every morning to exercise and really focusing on improving my food choices and eating habits throughout each day. And to help with maintaining my movitation, I've also began following some food/fitness blogs. They have definitely been helpful with new meal ideas and workouts. In 2 weeks I've already felt a difference in my energy and attitude! So this new page is to help maintain my motivation even more because this page will be dedicated to a new challenge I've began with myself.

>>Every week I will cook at least one new recipe that I've never done before. And to make it more thrilling, I will challenge myself to cook with a brand new ingredient that I've never used or eaten. On top of that, one day a week will be dedicated to meatless meals. <<

How does that sound? I know I will probably get some criticism from family and friends but I'm hoping that it will inspire them to get in the kitchen and make better food choices or at least try something new!

So here goes the first night of my challenge, wish me luck! Let's get cooking!!

I aged 70 years overnight. Awesome.

Yesterday, it was life at 25. Today it feels like life at 95! I can barely sit down in a chair without cringing or moaning and every step feels like pins poking in my butt and thighs. My returning motivation has landed me in some returning pain. I knew going into my workout yesterday morning that I would be sore for a couple days, (that's what I get for avoiding squats and lunges for months) but I didn't anticipate my back to be in so much pain that I can barely bend over to tie my shoe. For the last year or two I've been having troubles with my lower back. I can't tell if it's a muscle thing or a bone thing or dare I say an organ thing. But it seems that intense exercise or heavy lifting tends to irritate it the most. I've put off going to the doctor for two reasons: 1. I'm hoping one day I'll just wake up and it won't hurt anymore and 2. I can't really afford a doctor visit these days, and that's just for one visit, I sure as hell wouldn't be able to afford a treatment or therapy if something was really wrong with it. So that leaves me with bearing through the pain and hope it's nothing serious.

Despite being super sore today I still got up before sunrise (even on my day off) to go for a run to hopefully help loosen the muscles that had tightened up overnight. I can get bored with the same view on my runs/walks so I decided to try a new path that I had my eye on since last summer. Although I didn't keep a pedometer with me, I estimated (by counting the number of songs playing on my Ipod) that I had ran about 3 miles and walked about 2. Not bad for waking up and barely being able to move! That's two days in a row of exercise before sunrise and hoping to keep it up as long as I can. This weekend will definitely be a challenge, it always is.

So I've got the exercise getting into gear, now I'm just waiting on the healthier food to kick in. This week's paycheck goes straight to rent but next week's is going straight to groceries! I'm psyched! I've been finding new recipes to try and have made a new agreement with myself: One day of the week will be dedicated to meatless meals and another day will be dedicated to a new, healthy recipe with an ingredient that I had never eaten/used before, i.e. tofu. Seems like a great challenge, eh?!

I am really trying to hard to end this with a catchy, memorable quote or saying to wrap up this challenge-themed post but I guess this is one challenge that I will end in failure. Epic failure.

Awkward appears 16 times in this post, is that awkward?

Life at 25 is almost back to normal. After a couple months of uncertainty, I can say that the stress is down and motivation is back up! I've began exercising again, reading books again, and sleeping in my own bed again! Now if I can just get a little bit more money in my account then I'd be able to go grocery shopping to get some real food so I can start cooking again! Living on bologna sandwiches, scrambled eggs and cereal gets pretty old after a week. None the less, I'm a lot happier than I was 2 months ago. But let me get on to the main point of this post...

The other night I hung out with a friend, Todd, (name as been changed for privacy or whatever they say in real books) that I hadn't seen in what we determined had been 6 months. Apparently I had gotten upset with him over a conversation we were having at the bar and I just quit talking to him...for 6 months. What a lousy friend, eh? Anyway, he forgave me and we picked up right where we left off, just shooting the shit and talking about everything we had been up to the last couple months. So as we were talking the lock on the door starts to make noise. I'm thinking it was going to be his fiance or a friend that I hadn't met or whatever but no...it was one of the last people I had imagined seeing that night.

Let me give you a bit of history on this surprise person. About a year ago, Todd and his girlfriend (now fiance) wanted to set me up with their friend, Nolan (name has been changed). They told me Nolan was a great guy and we would hit it off for sure. So I gave them the benefit of the doubt and agreed to meet him. We hung out a couple times and it was alright but like every other guy, it just didn't feel right to me so I phased him out and eventually quit talking to him altogether. So when Todd would invite me to hang out with him, I would always decline the offer for fear of seeing Nolan and the awkardness it would entail.

Fast forward to the night I'm hanging out with Todd. So as the door is opening, I look up and you guessed it, it was Nolan! The quick second that Nolan turned to shut the door, I shot a look at my friend that read a little something like this, "Oh my god, this is weeeiiiirrrddd!" Of course, I wiped that look off my face as soon as Nolan came to sit on the couch next to us. We said our hello's and went on with our conversation, all the while shooting the wide-eyed looks over to Todd as soon as Nolan would look away. Being the cool chick that I am, I spent the rest of the night acting like nothing was wrong or weird or awkward and totally pulled it off! Todd even said I was doing a great job! Anyway, here's the underlying question...or questions, rather...

When running into an ex (and when I say ex, that can mean ex-boyfriend, ex-friend, ex-guy you went on a couples dates with, it can mean anything), will it always be awkward? And who's it more awkward for, the dumper or the dumpee? AND how much time should elapse until the awkwardness is gone? It had been almost a year since I had seen this guy but yet, it was still awkward! Is it only awkward the first time seeing them after the "breakup" or will it continue to be awkward? Did the awkwardness even cross his mind the entire night or was it just me? Is it a girl thing or do guys feel awkward in those types of situations too? 

There's no way of knowing if it was awkward for Nolan, unless I ask him and let's be frank, that ain't happening cause then it's just going to get more awkward. But after experiencing a handful of awkward meetings like this, I guess you learn how to play it cool and act like nothing happened. (I mean, come on, it had been almost a year!) I know for a fact there will be more awkward moments ahead of me and for every awkward moment, there is a moment of relief...because at that moment, I realize I made the right decision and it's just one more awkward moment closer to you.

You can't always get what you want. (Sometimes, you get something better!)

"You need to have a plan."

I went to lunch last week with some friends that I only get to see maybe once a month. And these friends aren't just any normal friends. 1. I met them at church. 2. They were our class leaders for a bible study that lasted about 6 months. I value their support and wisdom and could not ask for better role models to look up to. So as soon as we sat down for lunch, Matt, being the caring, inquisitive man that he is, started asking what I had been up to since I last saw them. I gave him a brief outline of all the changes that had been occurring in my life and he fired back the one question I couldn't answer, more so, the question I didn't want to answer, "What's your plan?"

Somewhere growing up, I developed the characteristic of a planner. I like to have a plan, I like to develop a plan, I like to know what everyone else's plan is, even if it doesn't concern me. It's almost like I'm a serial organizer, if you will.

Anyway, when Matt asked me this question I couldn't really formulate an answer. For once, I didn't have a plan. At that point, I was so emotionally unstable (and still am) that I'm simply taking it one day at a time and dealing with everything as it comes. And that's what I told him. "You need to have a plan. You need to set some goals and deadlines and stick to them." Yes, Matt, I understand that but this summer has beaten me down so badly that I'm just too tired to formulate a plan. That and I just don't know what needs to be done or what the plan needs to entail. But the observation I've made over the past couple days is this:

Why do we even make plans? Rarely, if ever, do they actually come to fruition the way you wanted them to originally. There is always something that comes up that changes it somehow.

I didn't plan to go to a private, Methodist college to play golf for 3 years. I didn't plan to move to Wichita. I didn't plan to go to a tech school to do interior design. I didn't plan to only work at a design firm for 6 months. I didn't plan to take yet another job that doesn't utilize my talents or education. I didn't plan on staying in the same apartment for 2 years, moving out, then going right back to where I was (but in a bigger space). I didn't plan any of this! So why should I make a plan for the next 5 years when Lord knows, I'm not going to be where I plan to be! It's almost as if by making a plan, especially a big plan, like a 5 year plan, I'm just setting myself up for disappointment. (Or the optimist in me says success!) And I'm not saying that I fear the future because I don't. I know God will direct me in the right way. So I guess that's where I come full circle in this debacle. This is where my faith strengthens! This is the time when I throw my hands up and just fall back trusting the Lord will catch me! I can plan, plan, plan, every step I wanna take or should take, but the truth is, that's not what is going to happen. You know what they say, "You want to make God laugh? Tell Him your plans."

I like to think I know what I want and what's best for me. But honestly, I don't. So how can I logically formulate a plan to get where I THINK I wanna be? When what matters is the place I should be, which I won't know until I get there, and only by the wisdom of God will I be able to recognize that.

So here's my plan now: Instead of just "talking the talk" about trusting in the Lord's plan, I'm planning on "walking the walk" and whole-heartedly putting my complete trust in the Lord and His promises. (That should relieve some stress, eh?) Don't get it twisted though, this does not mean I'm going to become lazy and just wait for my future to come to me. You best believe I'm going to strive to achieve my goals! But it's the part of which direction to go that I leave up to the Lord and simply ask Him to point my shoulders in the right direction. In conclusion, here is some of my favorite verses:

Proverbs 16:9 "In their hearts human plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps."

Proverbs 19:21 "Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."

Psalm 20:4 "May He give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed."

Jeremiah 29:11 "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you and not to hard you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"

You want fried rice?

I love grocery shopping. For real. Composing the menu, making the list, and going to the store, it just tickles me pink. It tickles me even pinker when I get to eat the food! So that's what I did today.

I'm approaching my move-out date and have determined to eat as much stuff that's still in my kitchen so I will have minimal waste. And I like to think that over the last 2 years I've accumulated some good, healthy staples in my kitchen that I should finish out with dignity. Therefore, my homework last night was to compose a menu using as much food in my pantry and freezer as possible without buying a bunch of new things. And I have to admit, I'm pretty proud of the work I did. Trying some new recipes and also making some of the classics. It's a shame I have to enjoy it alone. But then again, more for me. :) The only challenge is having an unpredicable schedule where I'm not guaranteed to have the time to cook what I want when I planned it. (Like I said in the previous post, I'm sort of a control freak so I plan...a lot. Which means when I was composing my menu, I also assigned the meals to certain nights. Mhmm..I know.) But nonetheless, I have 18 days to eat roughly seven organized dinner meals. Breakfast and lunch are a different story.

The Kansas weather surprised me today. We actually got a little bit of rain. Just enough to put dirty rain spots on my car. But it did cool down the temperature where it was bearable to be outside longer than 2 minutes so I wasn't about to complain about sprinkles on my hair. But the most wonderful surprise was stepping outside to see the most beautiful rainbow I've seen in a long time. The kind that you can see end to end and the colors are just so vivid and brilliant that it makes you stop in your tracks and just say "Thank You, Lord." Through all the rain that seems to keep falling on me at this time in my life, I know that the end will come and sun will shine again.

"Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on the earth.” Genesis 9:14

Was That a Threat?

Today...was a good day. I actually made it to the gym today (even for only 45 minutes on the elliptical, it's exercise just the same). And to make it even better, I ate a salad for lunch. Yup, a salad. A salad that I WANTED to eat, not because it's something I should eat.

Today...was a good day. Despite the huge mess in my apartment from spending the afternoon packing, it's just a sign of progress and change. As I was sealing up my first box, I said a prayer. A prayer for help and guidance. Most people wouldn't think anything of taping up moving boxes but me, I'm too sentimental to just let the moment pass by without a thought. This may very well be the last time I have a residence to call my own in this town. But lucky for me, I've been here long enough to accumulate some really great friends that have offered (actually they sort of threatened me if I didn't agree to it) to let me stay on their couches temporarily just to postpone my departure. But the job hunt must continue. And the chances of me leaving this town seem to be growing and growing by the day. But it is what it is.

As a Christian, you are taught not to fear, especially not to fear the future. So as each morning comes, before the worry and anxiety set in, I have to remind myself that my life is in good hands and that He would never steer me wrong. I can admit that I may have some control issues but no matter how hard I try to plan or organize, ultimately, it's not up to me where I go or what I do or who comes in and out of my life. I don't even know why I would want that responsibility. Motto and prayer of the day (more like for this entire phase of my life right now): God grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as he did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. --Reinhold Niebuhr

P.S. I Love You

Life at 25 has just taken an interesting twist. In the last two months, I've been thrown more curveballs than I think I ever have. Let's rewind back to May 20...

On May 20, I attended my second college graduation. I received a degree in Interior Design which has been my dream since I was 14 years old. Now, getting to this point hasn't gone on the exact plan I had mapped out when I was graduating high school but, nonetheless, I made it. For now. May 21 was my niece's dance recital which I attend every year followed by a graduation/birthday party hosted by my oldest sister Jocelyn. My father, mother and both sisters birthdays fall in the month of May and June so we celebrate with one big party. (But Kalyn and I still receive gifts cause we are just that awesome.) On May 23, I went on a first date with a guy that has opened my eyes to new things and I've been smitten with him ever since. The month of June was pretty easy. Continued to work at my job, visit home a few times, went on more dates with the guy, enjoyed a week long vacation with my sisters and just had a good summer. But July...July hasn't been very nice. After my vacation, I came home to a phone call that said the place I work at is closing, which means I'm out of a job at the end of the month. It gets better. Turns out, my lease on my apartment was up in July which means, I'm out of a home at the end of the month. Jobless and homeless. What a dream come true.

So here we are, July 10, I spent half the day sleeping (just cause I could) and half the day packing my things up in boxes. And normally I enjoy packing but that's usually cause I know where I'm going when I have to leave. In this case, I don't have a clue where I'm going. I don't where I'll be in 30 days or 60 days or 6 months which means right now, I HATE packing.

I'm a great multi-tasker and I'm very efficient but these last few weeks I've only been able to focus on one thing at a time. 1)Moving out of my apartment. 2)Searching for a new job. 3)Where I'm going to be living at the end of the month. 4)Making time for family, friends, and this new guy. I'm finding it very difficult to balance all of those simultaneously because each one is very important which means I'm pretty much an emotional wreck right now and stressed beyond capacity. On top of that, I've lost motivation to do things I used to really enjoy, like exercising and reading and working on my faith. I just find myself lying on the floor staring at the ceiling like all the answers are going to come floating down through the sky to land in my hands. Or drinking...a lot, like the answers are in the bottom of a beer can.

I just want to know where I need to be going. What direction I need to look in. I feel like a lost puppy with no idea what to do next. If this isn't a test of faith, I don't know what is. Although the economy is bad right now, I believe in my heart that I'm supposed to be doing design work and I'm not going to settle for anything less. God wouldn't have put design in my heart way back when if He didn't want me to chase after it and succeed in it so I know for a fact that this is what I'm supposed to be doing. I just don't know WHERE I'm supposed to be doing it. I feel I'm being pulled in two different directions. One string pulling me to stay close here and one string pulling me to go somewhere farther away. One better start pulling harder or I'm going to be stretched thin real quick.

I'm so thankful for my amazing family and friends who have been there for me through all of this and supported me and guided me and calmed me down. I know, no matter where I am, I will always have them to lean on. And after reading this post, I've realized this is no longer a blog, it's turned into a prayer. So God, here's my letter to You...write back soon please.

(Oh and Jocelyn, I totally just wrote this as the thoughts came to me. Didn't do any research or prewriting. :) Unless you count sleepless nights with too many thoughts running through my head research and prewriting. )

The Good, The Bad, and The "Douche Bags"

Aahh, the single life. A life of freedom, independence, and exploration. The time in your life when you are trying to weed through all the guys (or girls) to find that one person who fits you perfectly. (Unless you don't believe in that then you might as well quit reading now.) A time filled with excitement and a lot of firsts-first date, first kiss, first heart-to-heart talks, first slumber parties.

But shortly, or later on, you start noticing a change. The change could be really good or it could be a bit discouraging. But it's a definite change. And sometimes it's no fault to anyone, it just happens. Let me elaborate...

Every guy starts at square one. At square one every guy is considered a good guy (all it takes is a smile). So the journey begins....You begin walking along a path with this good guy and this path can be as short as a matter of seconds (when he speaks his first words to you) or it can go on for a while. But nonetheless, you are on a path. So you're going along and you glance up ahead to see that the path is about to break off into different paths. As you get closer, this is where you start noticing the change I was speaking of earlier. You start slowing down as you approach the separations and there are signs labeling each new path. To your left, the sign says, "The Good," which is very, very narrow, only enough room for two people to walk beside each other. You look for the next sign in the middle that says, "The Bad," which is very wide and worn down. Then to your immediate right the path is labeled, "The Douche Bags." As you look closer, this path doesn't seem to go on for very long, it's almost as if it just ends at a cliff and whoever falls over it will fall into a different dimension never to be seen again. (I say that because when you determine the guy is going down this path, you won't want to be seeing him again.)

So here we are, approaching this crucial point in the relationship journey. Like I said earlier, this journey could last only a matter of seconds or a few days or months or even years. Regardless, this guy is about to veer off somewhere and guess who's steering the guy's ship? The woman. (Usually. At least all the women I know because I know they are great, smart women and know what they want.) Which means the guy rarely has any input about which path is sent down (you are just along for the ride fellas, sorry but it's true). As the captain of this journey, you are in complete control of where to send this guy. So let's review what each path means and how to determine which path the guy belongs on.

Let's begin with the path labeled, "The Bad."

"Bad" guys aren't necessarily the trouble-makers that you typically would associate with "The Bad" guy. Guys sent down this path can simply be just not the right fit for you. Maybe there's no physical attraction, maybe he's not attentive enough for you, there's no intelligent conversation or whatever. Maybe he's just not that much fun and doesn't make you laugh. This is why this particular path is so very wide and worn down. There are so many guys that get sent down this path. And this isn't a cheap shot at guys going down this path, this is just one woman's journey. The next journey you're on you may go down a totally different path.

Now let's move to the path that everyone is so anxiously waiting to hear about, I can feel it. "The Douche Bag" path. Where do I even begin? The term "douche bag" is interchangeable with words such as, "idiot" or "jackass" or any words of the like. Now a "douche bag" can mean different things to different people. What I think is "douchy" may not be "douchy" to you or someone else and vice versa. But let me give you a taste of what I consider to be "douche bag" material.
-Wardrobe. (There are certain brands of clothing that scream "I'm a douche." Some of you may know them, while others don't. Some of you may defend the clothing while some may agree with me. Like I said, this is my list, everyone's is different.)
-Immaturity. (Age isn't always the factor with this, young guys can sometimes be more mature than older guys. I don't get it, but it happens.)
-Pretentiousness. (Do I really need to explain this one?)
There are so many other qualities that I just can't list them all. It's just a small taste, people.

And last but not least, the best path of all, "The Good." This path is so very narrow that only two people can fit on it side by side, the guy....and you. This is the path that only one special guy gets sent down, check that, he isn't sent, he is joined...by you. This will usually be a mutual decision and there's really no other option of paths which is makes it very easy to choose. This is when you grab each other's hand and veer to the left into your future together. When you go down this path, it makes all the guys you had to deal with on the other journeys worth the trouble because it brought you to this point. This is the path, I like to believe, is the path where dreams come true.

How do you know which path to send the guy on, you ask? As cliche as it is, you'll just know.

So I wish you well on all your journeys. May you take a left in the near future, or distant future, whatever you want to do. Keep on keepin' on, my friends.

Gone Fishin'

When I was growing up, I lived in a small, country town so I spent a lot of my childhood outdoors. My father was (and still is) a fisherman so we spent many summer nights out at the pond fishing and exploring the land. When I would throw a line out, more often than not, I would only catch the fish that weren't even worth saving. Which meant my dad spent a lot of time on my pole taking fish and moss off the hook (since then, I have overcome my fear of icky moss but I'm still apprehensive about sticking my fingers in the mouth of a fish, like they have teeth or something. Pft.) Regardless, my fish rarely made it on the hook to take home but my dad always filled the line with the best ones. (I never understood what qualifications the fish needed to have to get on the hook but I assume it has to do with size and appearance. I guess little girls catch little fish and big boys catch the big fish.) Never the less, the best fish made it on the hook.

Now it goes without saying, the fish don't stay on the hook long because if they're on the hook, then they're dinner later. Yum!

Now to the important stuff.

What about the guys (or girls) in our life that we put on the hook? Every girl has them, at least one, if not more. The bad boy, the makeout buddy, the "just friends" guy, or the ex. It's human nature, we crave love and attention and companionship. I know exactly why I have guys on the hook. Each "fish" has its own qualities that allow it to be put on the hook. But at the end of the night and you're packing up the boat and poles into the truck, you go back to the hook and assess your catches. You analyze them and justify why they made it on the hook but on the drive home, you begin to question if you really want, or better yet, really need them. So you make it home, unload everything and feel pretty good about your decision to keep the "fish" on the hook. But when it comes time to start preparing them for dinner, you take one last look at them and finally you realize they aren't the "fish" you want. So now you have to figure out how to "put them back."

Disclaimer: I realize that once the fish get all the way home, chances are they aren't going to make it back to the pond. But I'm trying to make a point here, bear with me.

I admit, I'm not very successful at taking "fish" off the hook. Although I am very good at putting them on the hook. So good, in fact, that the "fish" can tend to pile up and it can get really heavy. And I realize that's probably not the healthiest (mentally and emotionally) thing to do but it happens. I have a hard time letting go of anything. Boys, worn out pillows, clothes that don't fit but still love, birthday cards.

But when having "fish" on the hook, what's the best way to "put them back?"

Do you completely ignore and avoid them? (Then you risk burning a bridge. See, case in point, I struggle with letting go.)

Gradually quit communicating with them until they give up on you? (This is me still not being able to let go but I have had success with this technique.)

Nut up and tell them the truth? (Eek!)

No way sounds pleasant, on either end. But juggling so many "fish" can be just as unpleasant.

But as I sit here, I'm questioning the other side of the hook. If I have "fish" on my hook, does that mean that I'm a "fish" on their hook? Is it two-sided?

How do you know when you're on someone's hook?

My research on this topic led me to these conclusions:

1) Everything is at their convenience. Not yours. Dates, hookups, conversations...it's only when they want them.
2) If you change your plans to go see them or talk to them.
3) If you stop what you're doing, even when you're with family or friends, to go meet up with them or answer their call.
4) If they only want to talk or hang out when they're drunk.

After analyzing these conclusions, I determined that I have been on a hook or two. But it didn't last long. I realized that I was changing who I was for a person that didn't even respect me all that much.

After every breakup, one of the most common phrases used is, "there are plenty of fish in the sea." Yes, that is true. And there will be times when the "fish" seem scarce and times when there will be so many "fish" you won't even know what to do with them all. But the point is to just keep throwing that line back out there and say a little prayer that the next one will stay on the hook indefinitely.

Let's Do Lunch

Romantic comedies...can suck it!

That's right. I said it.

They have officially ruined my perception and understanding of love and relationships. Real life isn't like the movies. (Although it should be.) Sometimes there aren't "sparks" when you meet someone "special." Sometimes the first kiss isn't "fireworks." Does that make a person any less the person you are meant to be with forever?

I'm starting to think..no.

But do the "sparks" and "fireworks" come later?

I've always said and heard that the best relationships begin with a solid friendship. Great. I can do that. But when does the switch happen? When do you see them as friend one day and the next day you are in love with them? And what about the sexual attraction? Should that always be there from the beginning of the friendship or does it develop later too? When does the switch happen? Does it happen after the fourth date? Does it happen on a major holiday? Does it happen after you experience a trajedy together? Does it happen after an amazing concert? Does it happen over a lunch on a Tuesday? When does the switch happen?!

And what if the switch never comes? How long do you keep investing time and energy into a new friendship/relationship before you realize they aren't "The One?" Then how do you get out of it?! Yikes!

One of the worst things is to keep pursuing a relationship that just doesn't have the "It" factor. But what if its the kind of relationship that develops its magic later? You just don't know.

Everyone is different. Everyone's story is different. That's the beauty of it. You get your own, custom, personal, like-no-one-else story of your life. Why waste so much time and energy comparing your story to everyone else's? Or to the movies? Why waste so much time and energy trying to find all the answers right away? Life isn't meant to be lived with reservation and timidity . Life is supposed to be about taking leaps! Sometimes you'll fly, sometimes you'll land back on the ground and take off in another direction. Sometimes you won't take off at all. But at least you tried to take off.

Nobody knows what the future holds. We aren't meant to know. What a boring life that would be. But with all this confusion, curiosity, anxiety, frustration and the unknown of love and relationships, no matter what, I'll get my happy ending. Someday. But until then, I'll just enjoy my ride!

Disclaimer: I realize that the last quarter of this blog sounds like a fat, ugly cliche, but it's the truth. And it eases my mind so soak it in people!

"Yes, I'll Have a Number 4, Please. Supersized."

The other night I went to dinner at 'Margaritas' with some friends. This restaurant has the best margaritas I've ever tasted and that's probably the reason they named the restaurant 'Margaritas.' Anyway, on the weekend nights, they have a live band who does cover songs. After a song or two, people slowly started getting out on the dance floor. As I sat there watching these middle-aged men and women dancing, I couldn't stop grinning. A couple had caught my attention and wouldn't let go. I was mesmerized how much this particular guy was dancing! I mean, he was cutting a serious rug! Regardless if he was a good dancer or not, just the fact he went out on the dance floor with his girl was amazing! And I immediately thought, "I want that!"

Anybody that knows me, knows that I love to dance. I dance at home, I dance at school, I dance at work, I dance while shopping for groceries! I'm not afraid to bust a move when the mood strikes. (A song doesn't even have to be on for me to do a little shimmy-shake.) So it's safe to say that I don't care where I am or what I'm doing or what people think when the rhythm takes me over!

With this love of dancing, I began to wonder...how important is dancing in relationships?

Over the last 25 years, (OK, maybe just the last six) I've made some observations. There are four types of situations when it comes to dancing and guys:
1. You find a guy that is a great dancer who knows exactly what he's doing just the way you like it but you're not physically attracted to him.
2. You find a guy that you are physically attracted to but he doesn't have a lick of rhythm in his body.
3. You find a guy that you are physically attracted to and he says he's a good dancer and you've seen some small signs that he's a good dancer but he will not, at any costs, take you to the dance floor.
4. You find a guy that you are physically attracted to AND he's a good dancer AND he loves pulling you out on the dance floor to spin you around.
(The most appealing choice being 4, obviously. But that's very hard to find.)

I realize that dancing isn't that big of a deal to most girls, whether it be because they don't like to dance or simply can't dance at all. But for me, a guy that can dance is a total turn-on. It's fun, it's romantic, it's thoughtful...it's sexy! Dancing in public takes a lot of confidence and security in oneself, so seeing a guy that is comfortable and willing to dance says a lot more about him than just the fact that he has rhythm.

Now this next comment may rock some worlds so prepare yourself. Here is some high octane honesty coming at you. If the guy is into me and won't at least attempt to dance with me, when he knows how much I love it, then it is a borderline deal breaker. That's right! If he isn't willing to put his pride aside and swing me around the dance floor then I shouldn't be expected to sacrifice anything for him either. If you haven't figured it out yet, this isn't even about dancing at all. It's about doing things you normally don't like to do but doing them anyway for the person you care about because they like to do them. Whether it be dancing, or eating sushi, or watching scary movies, you learn to sacrifice for the ones you love because you want to make them happy. (Dancing just happens to be one of my factors.)

Through all of this, I've learned that maybe I am placing too high of a priority on dancing. It'd be a great bonus but it shouldn't be a complete deal breaker. I shouldn't blow off a guy just because he can't or doesn't want to dance. That would be like a guy blowing me off for being an OU fan when he's from Texas. It's not fair to anyone. Who knows, that guy that can't dance may be "the One" for me but I wouldn't know it had I snubbed him off cause he wasn't a Justin Timberlake.

Bottomline, I just want someone who knows that happiness with another person is about sacrificing and compromise. I want someone that I can have fun with, dancing or no dancing. (I can always turn him around so he learns to like it! Just kidding. Not really.)

Is It My Boobs?

25. The prime of your life. A time when you can do just about anything, and get away with it. A time when you are exploring. Exploring jobs, exploring opportunities, exploring fashion, exploring yourself, exploring men. But at 25, men aren't even in the picture. I'm dealing with boys.

My best friend recently visited during a weekend, and like any 25 year old women, we went to a local bar. With nothing but the desire to dance the night away, we found a table and claimed our spot until a better song came on the speakers. Not ten minutes later, we had two guys approaching each of us. It was like out of a movie. Two buddies spot these girls and place bets on who can hook up first. Now, at first glance, these guys were pretty good looking. Smooth talkers, for sure. As the conversation progressed, we finally got to the subject of age. Clearly they were old enough to buy alcohol since they both had beers in their hands (even though they hadn't even offered to buy us a drink.) So the guy next to me announced he was 21 and I gave a polite smile and said, "Cool, I'm 25," all the while thinking, "Great, this is just awesome! Another cute guy who's totally into me but...he's freakin' 21 years old."

Now most girls, and when I say most girls, I mean the girls that are still in college and want to stay in college forever so they don't have to grow up..ever, most girls would love this opportunity. A cute guy approaches them at a bar and totally hit it off. But I'm not one of those girls. Yes, it was flattering but in the last 3 months that I've been 25 years old, I've managed to attract not 1, not 2, but 6 younger guys! All at least 4 years younger than me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, age ain't nothing but a number and it shouldn't matter. But maturity does. In a quick 15 minute conversation with a guy, you can tell immediately if you are dealing with a man or boy. Simply by observing the way he is looking at you, touching you (if at all) and the use of language, you can determine his general maturity level. I admit, I'm not a good judge of age but I feel pretty confident in judging maturity level.

To clarify, I'm not bashing younger guys. These younger guys I've recently met are great guys. Just not the guys for me. This isn't even really about younger guys, boys or men. This is about me and why the hell I keep attracting these younger guys. And why the hell people's jaws keep dropping every time I tell them I'm 25.

I meet a new person nearly everyday with my jobs, and everyday when they ask, "How old are you?" I smile and say, "25." Knowing the next words out of their mouth are usually, "Seriously? You look like you're 18 or 19." When I first started getting this response, which has been a couple years ago now, it really didn't bother me all that much. It was fun surprising people with my actual age. But now that I'm 25, with two college degrees and starting my career, I want people to take me more seriously and look at me like a successful adult. And not just coworkers or customers or clients. I want men to look at me differently. Let me clarify, single, available, cute men to look at me differently. Men. Not boys.

So how do you look your age? I know when I'm 40, I'm going to want to look seven years younger but right now, at 25, I want to look 25. Not 18. What is it about me that make people think I'm 18? My curly hair, the way I wear my makeup, the clothes I wear, or my boobs? Oh I bet I know what it is, the braces. That's right, you read correctly. I'm 25 and I have braces. But even before the braces, I still had people thinking I was 18, so that can't be the only reason. Is it the way I talk, my personality, the way I carry myself? I just don't know but it's frustrating.

I guess I'll just keep on believing that it doesn't matter what other people think. As long as I'm happy and healthy. I'll keep on believing that all it's going to take is one guy to see me for who I am and then none of this "look your age" stuff will matter. I'll keep on believing that one day, it will all just come together. I'll just keep on believing...